like pulling teeth

Ever since my Occasionally Resourceful Human turned me on to the pleasures of the lazy man’s toothbrush (read: electric), I’ve been feeling great about my grill. Thus, it was with great buoyancy that I strode into my dentist’s office this morning at the crack of dawn to announce with exceptional flourish that I had made the switch; no longer a side-to-side, top-to-bottom man, I’ve joined the ranks of the new oralstocracy and let technology do the dirty work while I concentrate on encouraging my hair to stop uprooting itself in search of richer soils. While I wasn’t expecting deafening applause to erupt as I assumed my position in the chair, I presumed that my dentist would be confident in my abilities to operate said contraption. But in fine colonial style, the soft British accent questioned me immediately on technique. Rising to the challenge of her little pop quiz, I correctly answered that I didn’t move the brush like the poor man’s Oral B of yesteryear, but simply held it steady. Pleased with the evidence of my advanced knowledge in electric toothbrushery, I settled in for my inspection.

After my dentist had scraped the breakfast from my molars, the real interrogation started. “Does your toothbrush have a small, round head?” she asked? “If so, you can easily reach the inside of your molars and should be spending more time on them.” As I stewed over what could possibly impress this implacable woman if not the fruits produced from my total lack of elbow grease, I told her that I had noticed a definite improvement in the resiliency of my gums since I made the switch. This prompted her to continue poking me harder than usual with the dental pick until she drew blood – and I know that she made a special effort to make sure it flowed on the inside of my rear molars. With her usual tut and a huff of her depilatory breath, she made her point about giving the area more attention.

At this point my jubilant opinion of personal hygiene had been crushed and my mood crossed to the other side of the dental dam. After another lecture on the importance of daily flossing (seriously? If I wanted to put my hands in my mouth everyday, I wouldn't have opted to leave diapers), I’m strongly considering returning to the dark ages and digging out old faithful. Simply put, if responsibility is the bedfellow of power...my vote is to pull the bloody plug.